i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
