Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
