she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
