how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
