Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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