dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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