I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How does one acquire holy water?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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