I just pynch a tree in the face
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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