3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
