My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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