I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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