i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
