glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
