Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
