I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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