she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
