I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am naked and annoyed.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
