I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
