your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
