so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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