i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
