Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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