the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
