I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
