A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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