sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
