He asked me if I "almost moaned"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
