I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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