Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
