sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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