Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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