happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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