she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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