My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
