I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
