so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Randomize
