You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
