Swine flu. Run for my life!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
