It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
