Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
