i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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