the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
