Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The air taste purple.
Randomize
