Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
