Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
