I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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