i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
