every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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