She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
