I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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